It’s the summer of 2002, and after much deliberation I have decided to make a trip to the Virgin Islands for the wedding of two close friends. The bride, in particular, is quite dear to me and has asked me to stand in for one of her bridesmaids, who was going to be unable to attend due to illness and family obligations.
(A note here on why there is "much deliberation" required rather than "You fool, of course I’m going – it’s a beautiful island, a wedding on the beach and, you know, pretty girls on the beach to look at afterward." At this point my ex wife and I are not yet officially exes, though we haven’t lived together for going on 18 months. Within that time I have finally gotten out from under a budget-crushing rent payment, only to lose my consulting gig and spend the better part of a year doing temp work followed by a job ticking in at about 20 grand less than I had been making. The expense of the wedding was no inconsiderable amount to me, despite the fact that I was paring expenses (and the duration) down to a minimum. Still, these are good friends, really the first ones I’d made locally since I realized with a start that all of my local friends rather belonged to my ex, and as I haven’t been on a vacation in some time…well. As said before, after much deliberation, I elect to attend.)
(Another note, since we’re on the subject of notes and only vaguely on the subject of anything else. Yes, the bride asked me to stand up at the wedding. No, there was no dress involved. No, there wasn’t. Yes, it would have been funny. And I prefer the term "bridesperson", thank you. Or, "The one in the tie".)
So. It is a wedding on a tropical island and my only suit is gray wool. This will not do, and I must go shopping. I demand assistance from the bride, particularly as there are Wedding Colors to contend with. We go to fine clothing stores (much finer than the ones I usually frequent) and argue over who will pay for what. First is the tie, which would require a second mortgage if I actually owned property worth more than my computer. But, you see, it is the perfect shade of teal, and therefore will match the bridesmaid’s dress and will be the centerpiece of my outfit. I take this with due grace and reiterate to myself that I will eat Subway three times a day while on the island. (This turns out to be only partly true – the day immediately following the wedding, I take a taxi over to the resort where the bride and groom are staying and am treated to the evening buffet there. I somehow ingest enough food that I am not actually hungry again until roughly October).
Armed with the tie, we move on to other quarry – pants and a shirt. The shirt must be off-white and breathe, and the pants should be sand colored. This combination differs from eggshell and taupe, or beige and khaki in important ways which I cannot at this point in time call to mind. After visiting a couple of places, we happen upon the local Mark Shale. (Since this visit, I have received approximately 296 mailings from them inviting me to shop there again. If this continues at the same pace, the postage costs will cause them to begin to lose money from my original purchase in approximately 2210 AD.) After showing the lovely sales consultant the tie, we are ushered to the Sand and Off-White Section and presented with a myriad of choices. My knowledge of pants has been stretched beyond caring long since, but I dutifully listen to the benefits of an A pleat versus a double pleat versus a flat front. Or, rather, I dutifully pretend to listen whilst imagining the lovely sales consultant saying breathy things like "Oh, you’re one of the bride’s attendants? I think it’s so sexy when men are comfortable enough with their identities to hold flowers."
I am snapped out of this lovely reverie upon being shoved into the changing room with at least 11 pairs of pants and corresponding shirts, all of which look largely the same. I do not look at any of the price tags, having already decided that I could probably get by with eating Subway twice a day while there, and drinking lots of water. After trying on several combinations that all look precisely the same, I am standing in front of the mirror-surrounded dais and turning around like a runway model for the short, pale, not-thin fashion show. I rather like the pants, and say something hopeful like, “I rather like the pants.”
There is a pregnant pause and I look up in trepidation to find the bride-to-be and the salesperson exchanging looks. “What’s wrong?” I ask with a sense of dread, looking down to make sure I’ve pulled up the zipper. There is a pause as the women do that silent communication thing, and then my friend says, “Well, the other ones make your butt look nice.” The lovely sales consultant nods in agreement.
Five minutes later, I am signing the credit card receipt for the most expensive pants I have yet purchased, and I am reflecting on two things. First, that freedom (and dinner, purchased by my friend) is nearly upon us. And second, that human nature is often a very complex thing – but not when it comes to pants. I resolve at this moment to become a better man, the sort of man who remembers that honesty is the best policy, and that one ought to be open with one’s opinions. The sort of man who understands that immutable, universal truth:
The perfect end to any trip where you are trying on pants is to hear “Those make your butt look nice.”